Have You Ever?

Have you ever just sat their with your fingers in your hair and the palms of your hands covering your face and forehead?

Have you ever sat in the corner of a room rocking back and fourth with a pillow just crying- waiting to lash out and is ready to scream at any possible chance.

Have you ever walked into a situation in life saying I will do my best and I will not let myself down... but only to totally go against your own principles and set of rules... and fail miserably?

Have you ever sat down all alone in a restaurant and just looked around at stupid little objects just to make it look like you were doing something- but in actuality you were sitting there because its the ONLY place you could go that people wouldnt bug you and its the ONLY place you felt could get you out of the "I'm worth nothing... I hope I die" type of mood? Its the only place you knew you wouldnt have the guts to hurt yourself in- you knew you could keep yourself safe.

Have you ever walked down congested- school hallway, already in a bad mood and fighting the hours of the day ... just trying to get to ur next class and get through it... just get through it... only to run into the one person you HATE in the hallway on your way there? that not only makes your day feel even more impossible to get through, but on top of that all- they looked at you... but no- it wasnt the same kind of look as before... it was different before- it use to be "hey how are you doing today? wanna hang out? I've missed doing stuff with you" to this evil stare that could swallow you up and spit you out in that 1 second- that ONE split moment that they look at you... you know when you watch the Twilight Zone? and at the beginning they have all these random objects and things flying past the screen... well once they look at you- its that SAME whirlwind of random things- except there past memories, and random thoughts. Its not the fact that person even effects you even more. its the fact that i can look at them and bow my head in shame saying to myself "damnit... i let you get to me... when you havent even felt the slightest bit of pain... and you went through it ALL with me... you went through the SAME situation as me but you dont care... you never cared... how could i be so weak- so gullible? when all along this person is getting on with their life perfectly fine and im sitting here wishing i would've yelled at them more when it happened- or done something... something for myself" its my own fault- i was unsure of what i was getting into- ill blame myself i just hope that he knows- i fucking hate you for making me fucking hate myself. i will never understand why i was a coward- why i let people step all over me and then appologize. have you ever been able to just sit in a desk or somewhere where there are other people around you and people- like your friends talking about something fun for the upcoming weekend... but the only thing you can do is be stuck in the trance you call your thoughts and your life... you cant get out of it and it gets to the point where smiling- make you feel like a liar. I guess would like to know... since so many people say they can relate to me... well... have you ever?........